Five Stages That Should Be In Smash Bros. 4
I know, another list post. I’m a lazy, sloppy excuse for a writer but I needed to post something so I don’t fall further into the depths of obscurity. Just go with it, ‘kay?
Smash Bros. for Wii U and 3DS are getting ever closer and we’re slowly being drip fed tantalizing nuggets of information that only serve to make the game more exciting with each morsel of news. So I’m jumping on the bandwagon and giving my own list of stages that should be included in the new games. Because it’s Sunday and I don’t have any original thoughts.
Comet Observatory (Mario Galaxy Series)
It’s inevitable that in the new Smash installments, the Galaxy series is gonna be represented somehow. After all, it’s only some of Nintendo’s finest work to date.
In my mind, the stage would work similar to Isle Delfino from Brawl. You fight in the Comet Observatory, but it regularly whooshes (yes, that’s a word) off to various galaxies from the two games and you fight to cling on as the stage flies through space. Maybe one section has rolling chain chomps to dodge, and another has balls of fire flying in from all directions.
This way, we get one stage that manages to represent loads of different aspects from Galaxy. Why yes Nintendo, you can have your cake and eat it.
Forsaken Fortress (Zelda: Wind Waker)
With the brilliant news that Toon Link is coming back to the brawl, we all know a Wind Waker stage is a certainty, especially if the 3DS is reppin’ Toon Link with a Spirit Tracks stage. Why not the Forsaken Fortress?
It could work like Shadow Moses Island did, if a spotlight catches you, you’re bombarded by a barrage of bombs. Every now and then, Ganon’s giant pet bird could fly down into the stage and start pecking at everything in sight, or flap items and characters off the stage.
Tourian (Metroid)
This stage would be absolutely mental. Metroids flying in at random times to suck on your brain, fireballs flying from every possible angle and every now and then, Mother Brain rises from the ground to take pop shots at you just to cause further chaos.
Maybe it could be a scrolling stage, taking you right through a faithful recreation of the final Metroid level from the first Metroid to Mother Brain at the end?
Smash Bros is all about frantic gameplay and a stage packed with traps like this would be perfect.
Pokemon Center (Pokemon)
This would be awesome. Death and destruction in a place of healing? Lovely. Just imagine a full scale brawl over the the peaceful music we all know and love.
Maybe random Pokemon could appear from behind the counter to cause trouble, similar to Goldenrod City in the original Smash Bros.? Or perhaps Team Rocket could storm in with various contraptions for stealing items and the like.
Wii Fit Park (Wii Fit)
What better way to scare off joggers than by having a great big throw down in the park? Since Wii Fit lady has been confirmed and we all juts have to deal with that, we might as well get a good stage out of the deal.
It could be a scrolling stage in which you have to keep along at a good pace or your unfit ways will kill you dead. DEAD. Perhaps every so often a parade of jogging Miis could come in from the opposite direction and trample you if you don’t get out of the way.
So then, that’s your lot. If you don’t agree or think you can come up with better, I don’t care. (I’m joking, please, I need the validation and approval of strangers). Thanks for reading.
Four Directors Who Could Pull Off a Metroid Movie
Ever since the tragic yet painfully inevitable news that Nintendo shut down the Kickstarter campaign funding a Metroid Fan Film, I’ve been dreaming dreams of a world where Nintendo weren’t burned by that god awful Mario film. I dream of a world where Nintendo trust studios with their franchises, and great films are made.
Lets be honest, of all of Nintendo’s properties, the Metroid series would translate best to the big screen. An ass kicking female heroine who hunts down aliens on hostile and barren planets in an awesome Iron Manesque suit of armour? Pitch that to any studio and they’d drop to their knees to administer fillacio to you so quickly they’d probably fall through the floor.
So here are five directors I really think could take Metroid and absolutely nail it. If you disagree, let me know. You’re probably right. Just remember, at the end of the day they can never make a film as bad as Mario Bros.
Ridley Scott
Let’s get the most glaringly in your face dance around with it’s trousers down with OBVIOUS written across both cheeks choice out of the way, shall we? Metroid when it boils down to it is about one single bad ass lady who is being stalked by terrifying aliens. I’m not sure, but I think Ridley Scott has done something like that at some point in his career.
All we need to do is swap the dark spaceship for a dark alien planet and give John Hurt a call to see if he’s up for having a Metroid hatchling burst out of his chest.
Joss Whedon
In my opinion, Whedon is the undisputed king of creating awesome female role models. Buffy the Vampire Slayer alone was full of them and was by no means limited to the starring character. Spin off Angel was full of them and The Avengers had Black Widow beating down alien heinie with the best of the blokes.
If anyone could deliver a character driven Metroid and ensure that Samus Aran was more than just a vacuous babe in a tank for the lads to drool over, it’s Whedon. My only concern would be that Aran’s trademark stoic nature would limit Whedon’s natural talent for zingy dialogue.
JJ Abrams
Considering this is the man who made Star Trek (really, really) cool and is undertaking the momentous task of making Star Wars good again, JJ Abrams knows how to make a pretty bloody good sci fi movie. Let’s face it; if he can make us all forget The Phantom Menace, he could absolutely crush it if Ninty gave him the chance.
Stanley Kubrick
Forgive me if I seem presumptuous, but I think every Metroid fan can agree that the absolute distinguishing characteristic of (most) games in the series is isolation. it’s that feeling that made Super Metroid so incredibly immersive and Prime so tense.
At it’s heart I do think Metroid would be best suited as a thoughtful, psychological horror first and an action film second. The man responsible for One Flew Over.. and The Shining could get it so right. Seriously, just imagine for a second The Shining, in space, with Metroids, and no Jack Nicholson.
Okay so that doesn’t really paint the picture I’m trying to convey. If any director could give us a film that gives fans the feeling they get when they’re actually playing Metroid, it’s Stanley Kubrick.
Who knows? Years from now we could all be attending the premiere of Metroid 4 and the franchise could become the most revered sci fi movie property of all time. Probably not though.
Makin' Bacon Pancakes 