Monthly Archives: August, 2013

Four Directors Who Could Pull Off a Metroid Movie

Ever since the tragic yet painfully inevitable news that Nintendo shut down the Kickstarter campaign funding a Metroid Fan Film, I’ve been dreaming dreams of a world where Nintendo weren’t burned by that god awful Mario film. I dream of a world where Nintendo trust studios with their franchises, and great films are made.

Lets be honest, of all of Nintendo’s properties, the Metroid series would translate best to the big screen. An ass kicking female heroine who hunts down aliens on hostile and barren planets in an awesome Iron Manesque suit of armour? Pitch that to any studio and they’d drop to their knees to administer fillacio to you so quickly they’d probably fall through the floor.

So here are five directors I really think could take Metroid and absolutely nail it. If you disagree, let me know. You’re probably right. Just remember, at the end of the day they can never make a film as bad as Mario Bros. 

Ridley Scott

Let’s get the most glaringly in your face dance around with it’s trousers down with OBVIOUS written across both cheeks choice out of the way, shall we? Metroid when it boils down to it is about one single bad ass lady who is being stalked by terrifying aliens. I’m not sure, but I think Ridley Scott has done something like that at some point in his career.

All we need to do is swap the dark spaceship for a dark alien planet and give John Hurt a call to see if he’s up for having a Metroid hatchling burst out of his chest.

Joss Whedon

In my opinion, Whedon is the undisputed king of creating awesome female role models. Buffy the Vampire Slayer alone was full of them and was by no means limited to the starring character. Spin off Angel was full of them and The Avengers had Black Widow beating down alien heinie with the best of the blokes.

If anyone could deliver a character driven Metroid and ensure that Samus Aran was more than just a vacuous babe in a tank for the lads to drool over, it’s Whedon. My only concern would be that Aran’s trademark stoic nature would limit Whedon’s natural talent for zingy dialogue.

JJ Abrams

Considering this is the man who made Star Trek (really, really) cool and is undertaking the momentous task of making Star Wars good again, JJ Abrams knows how to make a pretty bloody good sci fi movie. Let’s face it; if he can make us all forget The Phantom Menace, he could absolutely crush it if Ninty gave him the chance.

Stanley Kubrick

Forgive me if I seem presumptuous, but I think every Metroid fan can agree that the absolute distinguishing characteristic of (most) games in the series is isolation. it’s that feeling that made Super Metroid so incredibly immersive and Prime so tense.

At it’s heart I do think Metroid would be best suited as a thoughtful, psychological horror first and an action film second. The man responsible for One Flew Over.. and The Shining could get it so right. Seriously, just imagine for a second The Shining, in space, with Metroids, and no Jack Nicholson.

Okay so that doesn’t really paint the picture I’m trying to convey. If any director could give us a film that gives fans the feeling they get when they’re actually playing Metroid, it’s Stanley Kubrick.

Who knows? Years from now we could all be attending the premiere of Metroid 4 and the franchise could become the most revered sci fi movie property of all time. Probably not though.

Affleck Is Batman: Suck It Up

Yeah, I’m still burned by Daredevil too. Some nights, I’m still haunted by images of the shockingly misjudged red S&M outfit and I lay awake trying to justify the piss soup mess that was the plot. I haven’t watched it in years but I’m fairly certain towards the start Daredevil kills a guy? I’m foggy on that so I won’t get into it, but everything else about that film sticks out in my mind like a sore thumb with a leather fetish.

It seems to me (now forgive my presumptions) that most of us are nervous about Affleck donning the iconic cape and cowell in Snyder’s sequel to The Man of Steel because of ill fated turn in Daredevil. At the very least I would say the majority of the negative reactions are because of Daredevil. While I’ve always found Affleck to be a matter of taste, I have often practiced a method of getting over not agreeing with a casting choice that actually works every time. 100% success rate.

Suck it up and don’t judge the actor until you’ve seen him play the part you’re so upset about. His stint as the man without fear was a long time ago and one would hope that he has learnt from his folly. As long as he doesn’t rock the patented Bale gravel gargling bat growl, I think we’re safe. More to the point, if he really fucks up in Man of Steel 2 I am certain Warner Bros. will yank him out and replace him with someone else in time for The Justice League so that we don’t have to suffer more than one film’s worth of indignity.

Of course no one is even prepared for what might happen; Ben Affleck might own the part in a way no one thought possible. He could be to Batman what Tom Baker is to The Doctor or Connery is to Bond. Look at what everyone said about Heath Ledger as The Joker. Look what people are saying about Peter Capaldi as the 12th Doctor when anyone with more than half a brain cell will know he is going to rock that part harder than a rocky rock that’s hard and rocks.

This predisposition we have for judging an actor before we see them deliver the goods is unhealthy. That fans are passionate and enthusiastic and get excited is brilliant and what being a fan of something is about it. Then we get certain news and it all turns sour. Insults and strops and essentially throwing our toys out of the pram before we have any clue or any right to judge. I don’t even like Affleck that much and I was surprised and maybe even a little let down at the news but any one can tell you that if you go into something like this expecting to find something to hate, you are going to. And where is the fun in going to see Batman throwing down with Superman on the big screen, something we have waited decades to see, if we’re just looking for things to complain about?

Suck it up kids. It’ll be fine.

On Finally Watching Breaking Bad

Don’t pelt me with soft balls of cheese or run me out of the village with pitchforks and flaming torches, but I only last week began watching Breaking Bad after finally succumbing to the many, many fervent recommendations of friends, reviews and the nagging voice at the back of my head that kept insisting I had to watch it.

I don’t know why it took me so long really. Maybe it’s because I’m powering through in my first watch through of The Sopranos with a friend (which is absolutely bloody brilliant by the way) and that alone is almost too much quality for me to take.

Maybe it’s because when I start a new TV series I know that I’m committing hours of my life, especially when it’s really good telly. I can happily dip in and out of Buffy or Doctor Who, in fact, re watching old episodes of other shows has a certain comfortable feel, whereas starting a brand new show takes a strange degree of effort that I really can’t put my finger on.

Of course everyone and their mums have been telling me that is one of the best television series of all time so I was certain that when I finally started, I could say goodbye to doing anything of any real use for a very long time. Especially since I’m four and a half series behind at this point.

At the time of finally tearing myself away to write this up, I have just witnessed a severed head on a turtle that then proceeded to explode. I did have to go back and rewatch just to make sure I had actually seen what I thought I saw. Breaking Bad is batshit mental and completely, utterly genius all at the same time.

The chemistry (just let it go) between the leading men is a joy to watch, the writing and the entire premise of the show is inspired and above all, the best thing about this program is that it is absolutely unpredictable. From the start of one episode to the end credits, something has shifted or twisted in a big, unexpected way and I love it. Case in point; a severed head on a turtle threw me enough, the fact it exploded made me want to go and lie down for a while.

I feel properly ashamed that it’s taken me so long to buckle down and get to grips with Breaking Bad, but now I’m here I’m loving every single second of this show. The fact that I already think this is a near perfect show and I’m only on season two scares me somewhat. Everybody who is up to speed insists that it just gets better, and that is frankly quite far beyond the limits of my comprehension.

Closing note; people are insisting that there are scarier folk than Tuco to come. If true please send help.

Peter Capaldi: The Right Choice For Doctor Who?


When it was announced that Matt Smith would be leaving Doctor Who a few months back, I was wary. Smith has been an effortlessly charismatic and entertaining Doctor, always a joy to watch and for my money, stolen every scene he’s been in from the moment he climbed out of the TARDIS and asked a young Amy Pond for an apple.

So how was I supposed to forget the man who made me forget David Tennant? Easy. You cast Peter Capaldi.

The moment he came strutting out on Sunday I was literally punching the air, my dad cheered so hard that my baby sister thought something was wrong and proceeded to cry.

Peter Capaldi is someone who I didn’t even realise I wanted to be The Doctor until he was stood there, twiddling his lapels Hartnell style and beaming away at the rapturous applause. Matt who?

90% of my Facebook feed seemed to agree. Sure, there were some who are obviously only pleased because they think Malcolm Tucker is going to be taking the keys to the TARDIS and throwing f bombs at the Cybermen but for the most part people really seemed to be on board with it.

But the law of the internet does state that if you have a ridiculous and pointless opinion you must state it in a way that is as loud and belligerent as possible, starting with “but he’s too old”.

I really need someone who thinks this to explain to me their logic. What does “too old” mean? William Hartnell (The First Doctor) was 55 when he took on the role. It seems to me a canny choice that after Matt Smith (the youngest actor to play the part) they cast someone who is now the joint oldest Doctor.

The concept of Regeneration is to breathe new life into the show, the changes should be radical quite frankly. Can you imagine watching some unknown young actor simply doing a bad cover of Matt Smith?

Besides that, the character of the Doctor is pushing 1200 now I think. 55 is a positively spry age to be taking on a role like that.

I won’t even waste much breath on the folk who have complained that 12 is not attractive. To judge someone based solely on looks is disgusting enough as it is and if the casting of Capaldi weeds out the shallow few who only watched because they fancied Tennant and Smith, that is fine with me.

If you don’t think Peter Capaldi will blow everyone away as the 12th Doctor, go and watch him in The Thick of it. Granted, his Doctor won’t be very much like Malcolm Tucker at all but you get a sense of his immense energy, madness and downright capacity to be terrifying.  If you think he hasn’t got the emotional chops, check him out in Torchwood: Children of Earth.

And even if after all that, you aren’t convinced, you can just sit out Doctor Who until they cast some good looking young bloke again. You’ll just be missing out on what I am already convinced are going to be some of the shows best years.

Peter Capaldi is The 12th Doctor!

In what can only be described as a piece of spot on casting, Peter Capaldi has today been unveiled as the 12th Doctor, set to take over from Matt Smith this Christmas.

Capaldi is no stranger to Doctor Who, having appeared in David Tennant story Fires of Pompei (which strangely enough also featured Karen Gillain before she was Amy Pond) and the brilliant Torchwood: Children of Earth. 

After the youthful Matt Smith, it should make a refreshing change to see an older gent in the TARDIS, although you can already smell the Tennant/Smith fangirls’ tears hitting their diaries. On top of all of this, Capaldi is a bloody fantastic actor and I for one can’t wait to see what he brings to one of the most iconic roles in television.

Now let the costume speculation commence!