Christmas. A time of year wherein 90% of writers feel a very real need, deep within their bones to sum up, categorize and create lists. Lists. Lists as far as the eye can see. Best albums of the year, best video games of the year, best Christmas turkey recipes, best ways to bury five bodies in the snow using only a trowel and so on.
I’m no different. I lack imagination and originality just as much as the next shit writer and so I present to you a list of the five best alternative Christmas songs (yes, really). In no particular order, hold on to your socks so I don’t knock ’em off.
Blink 182 – I Won’t Be Home For Christmas
What kind of list doesn’t have Blink-182 on it? Quite a few actually, but this one does. Released when the trio were pretty much around the top of their game and hailed as pop punk kings of the catchy hook and the saucy lyric.
Of course, this Crimbo ditty doesn’t disappoint as Mark Hoppus weaves us a Christmas tale of bitterness, assault and police brutality, all culminating in what I can only describe as a festive jail rape. Hot damn indeed.
Fall Out Boy – Yule Shoot Your Eye Out
Not exactly a tune that will fill you full of festive cheer, but it’s a classic FOB song full of the whole angsty, teen “mom and dad just don’t understand me and my fringe” kind of lyrics that we’ve all come to know and love.
Arctic Monkeys – Matt Helder’s Sings Last Christmas
What on Earth do you mean this isn’t a proper Christmas song? It’s Matt Helders… singing Last Christmas… quite possibly very pissed. If that doesn’t sum up the meaning of Christmas I don’t know what does.
Julian Casablancas – I Wish it Was Christmas Today
The Strokes frontman delivers a delightfully cheesy slice of festive electronica that thunders along. You’ll want to wrap your presents and then take some recreational drugs (probably).
On top of that it’s really catchy and only sounds like Dancing With Myself a little bit.
Snoop Dogg – Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto
I don’t really need to justify this one. Speaks for itself, surely?
That’s all. Go away.